YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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