he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
