Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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