Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
