I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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