At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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