she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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