My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
