is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
