I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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