I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
