The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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