I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
