Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
