It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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