Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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