Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
