Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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