Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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