I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
