I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
