I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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