is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
