...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
