1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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