just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
