How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
