It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
