So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
