just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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