hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
