I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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