then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
