i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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