God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
