Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
