yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
