Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
