I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
