I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
