I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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