haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
