the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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