He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
