I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
