When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
dude. I can hear the air.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
