why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
