Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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