omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
