i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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