Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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