At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
