I seem to have left my pride at pride
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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