She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize