I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
