I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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