i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish you could order shots online.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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