Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
