mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
